It Isn’t You, It’s My Attachment Style

Break up, make up, and repeat, a sometimes endless cycle found in many college relationships. However, here at Holy Cross, we pride ourselves in our ability to foster lifelong relationships. I even asked my roommate, who has been “wifed up” since the first few months of freshman year, to kindly enlighten me on the [rumored] percentage that a Holy Cross student will marry a fellow ‘Sader. It’s a whopping 60%. Despite how hopeful this statistic might make some feel, most relationships do not reach the finish line, or in this case, the altar in the St. Joseph Chapel. As it turns out, both the successfulness of relationships and the successfulness of a breakup can be predicted by the three attachment styles; secure, avoidant and anxious/ ambivalent.

Unfortunately, it is not one’s mere enrollment at Holy Cross that ensures he or she will hear wedding bells, rather the most prosperous relationships occur in securely attached individuals.  Think back to your infant years (because I actually expect you to remember them), if you think your primary caregiver provided you with a trusting, stable environment, then you are more likely to be a securely attached individual. Fast-forward to your college aged years, and now, as that same securely attached individual, you should be able to trust and see stability in your romantic relationships. While you are enduring your romantic relationship, those who have an anxious/ambivalent attachment style are jumping in and subsequently jumping out of relationships as they were anxious infants. Avoidant individuals typically sought and were denied intimacy as infants. Consequentially, most avoid relationships altogether.

A study by Madey and Jilek (2012) investigated the correlation of attachment styles and the ending of romantic relationships, particularly in college students. As my mom likes to remind me (after every break up), I must kiss a lot of frogs before I can find my prince, so I am particularly interested in what these social psychologists found. To measure people’s thoughts about their partners after breaking up, participants were first asked to fill out a questionnaire to determine their attachment styles. Then, participants rated their satisfaction with their ex-partner and how well they can relate to them. Madey and Jilek found that after the dissolution of the romantic relationship, secure attachment allowed for “less apprehension about seeing the ex-partner again, less blame assigned to the partner for breaking up, less likely to get back in the relationship, and readiness to start dating again” (202). It was found that participants who do not experience secure attachment, were more likely to get back together and to also blame their ex-partner for the breakup.

I am extremely fortunate to have had nurturing caregivers and experience the effects, especially where relationships are concerned, of a secured attachment style. Here on the Hill and for all college students alike, we are constantly breaking up and making up. And, as I am bracing myself to graduate this Spring, and leave good ol’ Holy Cross on the other side of the marriage statistic, I know that it is not a result of my attachment style. I will blame my “singlehood” on the ever-shrinking pool of quality guys on this campus.

Taylor Teulings 

Reference: 

Madey S, Jilek L.(2012). Attachment style and dissolution of romantic relationships: Breaking up is hard to do, or is it?. Individual Differences Research 202-210.  http://ezproxy.holycross.edu:2048/login?url=http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=psyh&AN=2013-00688-004&site=ehost-live